Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize