He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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