Im at strip club and am horny
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize