I hate all girls vehemently.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
