You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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