Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
