Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize