Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
