He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
