watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
the raccoons are back...
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