Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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