I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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