Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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