I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
