Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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