just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
