i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
