so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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