My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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