i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
