The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She bit a glass in half.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
