She announced her abortion via fbk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
