Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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