Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
