I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
