as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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