the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
