Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
