just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
