I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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