You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got inside last night via doggy door
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
