I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
