how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
organizing the empties. That sober.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
