So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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