You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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