i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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