woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
