I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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