Duck Duck Cougar?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
