i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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