sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
