are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
