shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
