I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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