Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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