he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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