forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
