hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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