screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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