11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
