Soap is not a condiment
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
