I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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