Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
