just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
