Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
