There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
