Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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