Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
