Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
