This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
