I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I died a long time ago.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
